Love's to blame
by whenvampiresdon'tsuck
Summary: "Blair Waldorf is getting married and Serena has to come back for the wedding. Back to the city she ran from and the people in it..." This is kind of AU, it takes place in the future..
1. I'm not right for you

_"...and i can't see you right now_  
><em>'cause my heart just can't take it<em>  
><em>can't be near you right now<em>  
><em>'cause i know you're no longer mine<em>  
><em>I can't see you <em>

_I still think of you_  
><em>I pray that you were safe <em>  
><em>I'm still missing you <em>  
><em>but it has to be this weakest <em>  
><em>I'm not right for you<em>  
><em>and that's why love's to blame"<em>

_New York._

Serena sighs as she steps out of the plane. She hasn't been here in years_. Home_. If it's even possible to still call it that. Serena thinks she's never had that feeling. That feeling of belonging, feeling home somewhere. She's been chasing it forever, but never been able to find it. Or she thinks she found it. Once. A long time ago. But she wasn't ready for it then and it scared her, so she let it slip away. Right through her fingers.

She didn't think she would be back here now; she didn't want to come back yet. The city represents so many memories. Good and bad. And she's not sure if she's ready to face either. It's so many feelings, so many regrets and choices. Its people and moments she's been trying to escape.

After all this time it's a wedding that brings her back. Not just any wedding. It's the happening of the year. Blair Waldorf is finally getting her princess dream fulfilled. And Serena has to be there for it.

Of course she does.

When Blair called her to tell her about the engagement, she had been squealing with joy. She'd been so happy for her best friend. They'd talked about dresses and flowers, about catering and lingerie. Not once had Blair mentioned the fact that Serena had to come back home for this, or that _he_ was going to be there. Blair knew her too well, maybe even better than she knew herself. She knew that Serena wasn't ready and that she maybe never would be. But she also knew that her best friend wouldn't miss her wedding.

Of course she wouldn't.

Serena calls Blair in the cab. They don't talk about anything special. Nothing really. But between the lines is _everything_. When Blair asks her if the flight was okay, Serena understands that she's really asking if she's okay. When they talk about how exciting it is that Blair is marrying the man she loves, they're both also thinking about the man they thought Serena would marry one day. But none of them mentions his name. Not once. Blair tells her she has to come to the hotel at seven. It's important maid of honor stuff, she says. And Serena can't be late.

* * *

><p>"Hold that elevator!"<p>

She screams while running down the hall. The clock is close to seven. And Serena is afraid of what Blair will say if she's late. Or worse, what she'll do

A hand stops the doors from closing and she breathes out. She raises her head and looks at the man standing in front of her.

She knew she had to see him at one point. She knew he'd be attending the wedding. But she didn't think she had to see him this soon. She isn't ready. Not at all.

"Nate…"

It's only a whisper.

She stares at him, baffled. He just stares back. Not a word escaping his lips. She thought she could get away with just seeing him at the reception. Give him a smile; maybe even a little nod or a wave. But no exchanging of words. Nothing more than looks across the room. And even that are hard enough. As soon as she could, she would leave again. Before she could do more damage. Before hurting him again and by that also hurting herself.

It's okay she tells herself. You can do it. You can manage to be in the same elevator as him for less than three minutes. She looks at the clock. Then at him. She steps inside. He smiles at her and whispers a hello, almost shyly.

"Which floor?" He asks her.

She takes a breath.

"The top"

And not for a second does she think that he's going there too. So it hits her in the face when he smiles and says me too. She can see that he's confused by her shocked look.

"I'm the…." He pauses. "I'm the best man."

Of course he is.

She forgets it sometimes. That it's him that is his best friend now.  
>She forgets how cruel faith can be.<br>She forgets that horrible day where so many things changed and so many lives were ruined.

Suddenly there's a loud noise. The buttons starts blinking, and then there's no blinking at all. No lights on the panel before them. The elevator stops with a yank. And they both look at each other.

"Don't panic." He says.

"We can just…" he picks up the phone attached to one of the walls. "…call"

She looks at him."What's wrong?"

"It's not working." He can see that she is starting to panic.

He takes out his cell phone. No signal. Great.

"It's going to be okay, Serena " He wants to comfort her.

"I can't be here. I can't be here with…" _With you._

She looks up at him, can see that her words hurt him.

"You can't be trapped here with me. The person that made you run away from your home and every person that has ever loved you." He stares at her.

"I wouldn't want to be trapped with that guy either."

He looks angry all of a sudden. And she gets it.

She really does.

"It's not like that." She whispers.

She doesn't really know how it is, but it's not like that. He didn't make her run away because he was mean or hurt her in any way, or that she didn't love him. It was because she did. And everything that _love_ represented. He was too much and she was starting to get the feeling they could last _forever_. And that feeling scared her more than anything. There was that other thing too. The thing she's never told anyone. That she doesn't want anyone to ever know, least of all him.

"I didn't leave because of you. I just needed…" She stops, not able to explain to him exactly what she needed.

Space. Time. Something else. She needed to remove herself from the equation. She needed to go before she ruined everything. Anything.

"I remember the first time I saw you" She suddenly says and sits down with her head against the wall.

He turns around and stares at her, surprised by her words.

She remembers it like it was yesterday.

It was summer.

Of course it was.

It was kinder garden. They were only four years old. He was the prettiest boy she had ever seen. Still is. She remembers his blue eyes and sandy blonde hair. She remembers his boyish smile and how they wore matching clothes.

"You were standing in the corner and when I looked over at you, you gave me the biggest smile."

She says and takes a deep breath. She closes her eyes and pictures it. Like it will bring her back to that day. Before everything got so messed up. Before anything bad had happened to any of them.

"I remember" He says and sits down against the wall opposite from her.

"I can still remember the first thing you said to me." _I will never forget._

"Our eyes are the same"

She smiles at him and pushes her hair away from her face. Their eyes _are_ the same. They _fit_ together. Always have, always will. And that's part of the whole reason why Serena can't be with him. It's part of what scares her.

Nate sighs. He too wishes they can go back to that day in kinder garden. So he can do everything once more. If he could live his life one more time, he would've never let her go. He would've made her _his_ girl the moment he laid eyes on her.

He doesn't know that he already did. In this life, on that day.

They sit in silence for a while. Both wondering why no one has come to get them out of there.

"So how you been?" He asks casually.

She knows he really wants to ask her if she's seeing someone.

"Good" She says, wants to ask him too.

There have been men in her life after him. But no one who made a greater impact.

She thinks she has only really loved two men. One of them is marrying her best friend and the other one is sitting right in front of her.

It hits her in that moment, that she is so happy it's not him that is marrying Blair. Because it could've easily turned out that way, if Blair had gotten what she wanted at the age of six.

He doesn't ask anything else; it's this awkwardness between them. They don't know how to act around each other, don't know what to say.

So there is another silence.

"I can't believe they're getting married." He suddenly says and smiles.

"My ex-girlfriend and your ex-boyfriend" He lets out a laugh.

"My best friend and yours" She says and regrets it immediately.

His face changes and he stays quiet for a while.

"I needed you" He says and sets his eyes in her.

The intensity scares her and she's not able to look at him for long.

"I needed you when he died, needed you to be there for me."

She can feel tears surfacing in her eyes.

"Where were you?" He whispers desperately, like he's reaching for something.

She doesn't answer.

That day changed so many things, more than he knows and understands.

"And where were you when my dad died?" His voice cracks.

She looks up at him then. Tears making their way down both her cheeks.

"What?" She manages to say.

"Your dad is…"

She thinks this is the first time she's seen him cry. She has seen him do many things, but never cry. So she's not even able to say the last word out loud.

Instead she's dragging her body towards him, stops when their feet meet. His hands are resting on his knees and she gently places hers on top of them.

"I'm so sorry, Nate. I didn't know. "

She sighs.

"I've barely kept in touch with anyone. I…" She really doesn't know what to say to him do make it better, doesn't think anything can ever fix it.

"Was it long ago?" She asks him, still with her hands on his.

He closes his eyes and a single tear escape.

"It was last year." He takes a deep breath.

"It was a couple of days before that night I called you."

His eyes are wide open now, piercing their way through hers. A single tear escape again, this time from her eyes.

_Serena walks around in her little French apartment. She looks outside the window and can see the Eiffel tower in the distance. _

_She 's ready to go to bed when her phone rings. _

_Nate. _

_She stands totally still for a moment, her phone still ringing._

_She tries to breathe steadily and counts to twenty. _

_Serena hasn't talked to him since she left New York three years ago. _

"_Hey" She simply says when she picks up the phone. _

"_Serena…" _

_His voice saying her name like old times breaks her heart. It's painful and good at the same time. She misses him. Every single day she does. But she can't tell him, she can barely let herself have that feeling. _

"_Where are you?" He's screaming. _

_She can tell from his voice that he has been drinking. _

"_I'm…" Her voice cracks. _

"_Can you please come back?" His voice sounds so vulnerable. She has only heard him like this once before. When she left the first time._

"_Please come back to me, Serena. I know it's been three years. I know you've probably found someone else. But I need you. I need you now, here"_

_Tears start to flow and she doesn't even bother trying to stop them from coming. _

"_I'm so sorry, Nate. But I can't" She hangs up. Her phone slides out from her fingers and she sits down on the floor, praying for it to go away. Have that feeling inside finally disappearing. _

"I'm sorry." He says and she looks at him with surprise.

"Why are you saying sorry?" She asks while slowly shaking her head.

"For drunk calling you."

She wipes away a tear and looks at him. Really looks at him. So he can understand that she means what she's about to say.

"It's _me_ that should apologize to _you_." She squeezes his hand.

"I'm sorry that I hung up on you and I'm sorry that I didn't realize that something so terrible had happened. I should've been there for you no matter what"

He's about to say something, but bites his lips instead.

She lets go of his hands then, just because it's starting to feel too comfortable, too much like old times. Too much like everything she actually wants, but can't let herself have.

He looks away. Maybe to hide how hurt he is by what she's doing now or what she has done in the past.

The air around them is starting to get heavy. Heavy with memories and emotions, awkwardness and sadness. Things said and things not said.

Serena doesn't know how much more she can take of this. She hopes someone will come get them out soon.

"I feel like I can't breathe" She says and stands up.

He looks at her, worried. He stands up beside her and lays a hand on her lower back. He believes it's because they're still trapped in this elevator, when it's really him that's the reason for her problem with breathing.

She remembers the first time she saw him after she came back from boarding school all those years ago. Their eyes met across the room and her heart skipped a beat. Then she had to get out of there. Away from him. Because she couldn't be in the same room as him, she couldn't breathe there.

That feeling is back now.

"You can't touch me, Nate." Her voice is suddenly all hard and it makes him shiver.

It makes him mad.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Serena! Sorry for caring about you. Sorry for even being here. I'm so sorry you have to be stuck in here with me."He emphasizes every word and with every word Serena sheds a tear.

She turns around.

"You don't understand"

"Then enlighten me. Please do!"

"I wish I could, but…"

"But what, Serena!"

Nate thinks he's never been this frustrated. This always happens. He feels they make progress, that they're taking a step forward. But Serena always manages to take them two steps back right afterwards.

"You just left me."

They way he says those words makes Serena feel like the worst person in the world.

"No goodbye."

He sits down again. Serena thinks it is because he wants to have some sort of control of the situation.

She's right.

Nate feels like he will break down if he stands. He doesn't want her to see just how much he still cares, when she clearly doesn't care at all.

She is standing before him, she looks at him the whole time they're silent. And he doesn't look at her once. He just stares down at the floor.

"It had only been two days since…" He can't say it out loud.

"You know what… And then you leave! You left everyone that needed you to be there. You left Blair, your mum, me… I don't understand, what makes a person do that? What made you do that?"

She doesn't answer him, just cries silent tears. She knows she was selfish, it's probably the most selfish thing she's ever done. And she has done many.

"You weren't even in the funeral." He sighs and shakes his head at her.

"I…I don't know what to say…"

"And then you send Blair to tell me that you're not coming back."

He ignores her.

"You should have seen her when she told me_" You should have seen me._

"She was devastated."

Serena turns away from him and wipes away the tears.

"I know what I did was wrong. I know I hurt you all when you already were going through so much. And that day hurt me too. I too was devastated when he died…" She takes a deep breath.

"Something else happened that day. And I can't tell you about it." _You won't ever look at me again._

"Can't or don't want to?" He asks and she turns to face him again.

"I know I'm selfish"

That's her answer.

He doesn't respond to that. Doesn't know what to say to her, she _is_ selfish. But when he looks at her, he still sees that girl he fell in love with. So he can't bring himself to say it out loud. Say to her that he does think she's selfish.

She sits down again.

She sits with her eyes closed. And he can't help but to study her. He takes all of her in. He is mad at her. And at the same time he is not. He can't be, he's not able to.

Never was.

He looks at her freckles. He looks at her hair, her eyes and down her body.

_Beautiful._

God he misses her. Misses the way she would laugh at him when he tried to be funny, they way she kinked her eyebrows when he said something dirty. They way their eyes would meet in any room, any situation. He misses the way she took his hand to show everyone that she belonged to him, and every man would stare at him jealously. He misses the way their bodies fitted together and how they just _fit._ He misses _everything_. And more.

"I miss you" He suddenly says.

She opens her eyes and stares at him. Half in shock.

"I really loved you_" sometimes I think I still do._

"Stop" She says firmly.

"Stop saying stuff like that". _Stop loving me._

"It's not that easy, Serena."

She ignores it. Like she always did when they were younger.

"Why aren't you yelling at me? Why aren't you mad anymore?" _I rather have you made at me._

"I can't. I just can't. It's the past. You probably had your reasons, I _know_ you, Serena. You wouldn't have left if you hadn't had a good reason. And maybe you someday can open up to me."

She starts to cry again.

"We can start over, Serena"

"Stop it…" She whispers vulnerably.

He moves closer to her and reaches out a hand.

"Hey, my name is Nathanial Archibald." He smiles at her.

"Nice to meet you."

"What are you doing, Nate?" She breathes out his name.

"Starting over"

She shakes her head and stands up.

She walks around, he is still sitting.

"What do you want me to say, Nate?" She sighs tiredly.

"What do you want from me?"

"You" He simply states, like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

And for him it is.

Because he loves her. Always have, always will. It's that easy.

And that hard.

"You wouldn't have wanted me if you knew…"

He stands up beside her, reaches out to touch her. She pulls away from him and crosses her arms. Tries to protect herself from it. All of it. Most of all him.

"Nothing you can say will change my mind. I lo…"

"I was pregnant!" She cuts him of before he's able to finish the sentence.

"I was pregnant with your child! And then I wasn't anymore…"

She breaks down before him.

But he can't comfort her. Not now. Not this time.

"What..?" He whispers.

Then the doors open and they're standing face to face with Dan and Blair and some other guy.

Serena runs out as soon as she can.

Of course she does.

And Nate's left behind.

Yet again.

With so many questions and no answers at all.


	2. A thin line between love and hate

Blair has known Serena and Nate her whole life. She has seen this before, Serena running and Nate left behind with blue puppy eyes full of questions and hurt. They've done this since forever. Even when he was _her_ boyfriend.

She thinks she has known it all along, ever since the beginning.

That it was Serena and Nate. Nate and Serena.

Always would be.

The man standing next to her, her fiancé, has known it too. From that disastrous brunch they all attended. Now standing here, holding hands with Blair, it feels like another life.

And it kind of was.

Nate's head is spinning. She was pregnant? He can't get his thoughts straight, aren't able to move, to talk.

To think at all.

"What happened, Nate?" Blair's voice is firm, like it so often is when it comes to these things.

"What did you say to her? What did you do?" She looks at him and he just stares down the corridor.

"Snap out of it!"

She lets go of Dan's hand and hits Nate's arm.

"Ouch! What did you do that for? Why do you just assume I'm to blame..?" He looks at her with narrowing eyes.

She rolls her eyes at him and looks over at Dan, as to get him to back her up on this. Like its so obvious for the whole world that Nate has done something to upset Serena.

"Eh…" Dan starts and sees the look on his future wife's face.

"So what happened in there, Nate?"

He asks and gives his friend an understanding look. He knows very well how Serena can be. How she runs when things get hard and how she shuts people out.

"I don't really know." He sighs.

That's the truth.

He doesn't know at all. Doesn't understand what happened in there.

"You must have done something…" Blair says and still she thinks he's to blame even though he sends her another look to tell her otherwise.

Dan doesn't like the tension that's starting to build up between the two and the looks the former couple are sending each other.

"You know…" He says and lets out a little laugh.

"Me and Serena broke up in an elevator once. Silly breakup really…" He stops when they both turn around and give him the exact same look.

"Maybe not the time to bring that up…" He says to the ground.

Blair sends him a look that says, you think?

Nate continues to stare down the corridor. A part of him wants to run after Serena, but the other part wants to go the opposite way and never see her again.

"Since you're clearly not going to do anything about this." She gives Nate one last blaming look.

"I'll go find Serena"

She quickly kisses Dan and ignores Nate. Then she leaves them both without another word.

"Looks like its just me and you then, buddy" Dan says and give Nate a big smile.

He doesn't return it and he doesn't respond.

"The boys are back!" Dan holds up one of his hands to encourage a high five.

Nate has to crack a smile and laughs at his best friend.

"Can you get me drunk? Like really drunk…" He says and gives Dan what he wants.

"No problem." He says, before thinking.

"As long as you don't tell Blair."

* * *

><p>Blair has no idea where Serena may have gone. She can be far away by now. But she really doesn't have anywhere to go. When she rounds the corner of the long hallway she swears she can hear someone cry.<p>

"Serena?" She screams out.

The crying stops.

Blair sees an open door and slowly walks towards it.

"Serena? Are you in there?"

And that she is.

Serena is sitting curled up on the floor, tears flowing from her blue eyes.

Blair sits down beside her and reaches out to grab her hand.

"What are you doing here, Serena?" She asks and looks around the room.

"The door was open and I just had to…" Serena starts.

"I had to get away from there and I had to breathe."

She sobs over and over.

"I needed to breathe" She whispers.

Blair simply nods at her. She knows her best friend. This is not new, this is classic Serena.

She breaks down.

She runs.

She _loves_.

Like no one else.

She loves with all of herself, with every cell in her body.

She _runs, _she _breaks_, she _loves_.

It's who she is.

It's a package deal.

And Blair knows that. She accepts it; she loves her no matter what and wants to help her when things are hard. When she breaks Blair tries to put her back together and when she runs, Blair let her.

And just hopes she comes back.

When Serena loves, Blair knows that she eventually will run or break. Or both.

It happens every time.

And Nate knows that to, Blair is sure of it.

He has always known it.

Because Serena always runs, a part of Blair thinks her and Nate will never get their happy ending.

And it breaks her heart a little.

"What happened in that elevator, S?"

"Too much, too much of everything."

Serena rests her head on her knees and tries to get control of the tears and sobs.

She fails.

"I hate seeing you like this, S" Blair tells her.

"Hate it" She repeats.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Serena looks up at her best friend.

"Tell you what?" Blair asks, confused.

"That Nate is Dan's best man." She whispers.

Blair sighs.

"I thought that it was obvious. You know they're best friends."

"I know. I just forget it sometimes… " She takes a breath.

"Because they weren't when I left" It's only a whisper.

Because Serena doesn't really want to go there.

To that dark place.

The place and day that has seemed to defined them, their lives at this moment.

The darkness that has brought them to this point.

And Serena thinks that bringing it up will make Blair cry or make her mad. To Serena's surprise, Blair gives her a smile.

"When you left everything was a mess. I was, Nate was. Everything was falling apart, we were breaking. But Dan…" She stops and closes her eyes.

"Dan was a rock." A tear escapes from one of her eyes.

"He was there for me and Nate like no other"

"Like I wasn't" Serena says and looks at the ground.

"I didn't mean it like that"

"But it's the truth." Serena says harshly, she wants Blair to be mad at her; she wants them all to hate her for leaving.

Because that's easier.

And that's one of the reasons why she left.

To make things easier.

"You should hate me."

"I don't."

Serena sighs and sets her eyes in Blair.

"I left all of you. Again." She stops.

"No goodbyes. You should all hate me. That's what I deserve."

Blair shakes her head slowly.

"I admit that I was furious when you left. I thought it was selfish of you to leave everyone who loved you." She takes a breath before continuing.

"To leave two days after Chuck died, it was… just wrong."

Serena shivers when Blair says his name. She hasn't heard Chuck's name been said out loud since before he died.

"But for us to hate you…" Blair looks down, takes a break. She too isn't used to talk about that day.

"I know that's what you want. Because you think that makes everything easier. You think it will make you happy. But it won't, Serena. You can never be happy when you keep denying your feelings, when you keep pushing away the people who loves you."

Serena doesn't respond to that.

She isn't happy.

She hasn't been for a long time.

And she doesn't deserve to be.

Not now.

Not after everything.

"Nate doesn't love me anymore."

"He never stopped" Blair whispers.

"Yes, he did. He stopped in that elevator." Serena's voice cracks and she can feel more tears surfacing.

"What happened in there, S?" Blair asks one more time.

"I don't want to talk about it!" Serena screams and storms out of the room.

* * *

><p>"There's nothing to talk about." Nate says and looks over at Dan.<p>

"I know you, Nate"

"Something bad happened in there. I know Blair thinks that it has to be you that have done something to upset Serena. But I think it was her that did something. Or said something."

"Something that hurt both of you"

Nate doesn't respond to that, he just silently takes another sip of the scotch.

"Your silence confirms my theory"

"I know you." Dan repeats.

"You only get drunk when Serena has done something to push you over the edge…"

Dan sighs.

"It happened when she left too."

"_Have you heard?" Nate stumbles into the loft._

_Dan shakes his head._

"_She is gone!" Nate screams at him. _

"_Who's gone?" He asks, even though he knows the answer._

_It has to be Serena._

_Nate only acts like this when it's Serena. _

"_She sent Blair to tell me." He sits down in the couch._

"_After she left of course, she couldn't risk me finding her before she was long gone."_

_Dan sits down next to him._

"_I can't believe she would do that…" He says._

_Nate shakes his head._

"_It's who she is. She runs. Doesn't care that people will miss her, that people need her…"_

"_That I need her, that I love her."_

_Dan doesn't know what to say._

"_My best friend died, he's being buried next week. And she just leaves."_

_Nate is close to tears._

"_She'll be back for that. Maybe she just needed some time for herself. A break." Dan says._

"_She will come back."_

"_No, she won't. You don't know her like I do"_

_Dan doesn't argue that. _

_Nate jumps up from the coach and starts walking around in circles._

_He looks lost._

_Broken._

_Devastated._

"_I hate her!" He screams._

"_You are drunk." Dan says._

"_You don't know what you're saying."_

"_I know I hate her" He screams again._

_And then Dan doesn't argue that either._

Dan looks over at his best friend.

"Do you hate her now?"

Nate doesn't answer.

He looks down in his now empty glass and stands up to leave.

"I need more to drink."

* * *

><p>Serena starts to unpack her bags.<p>

When she is finished her head feels as empty as they are.

She lies down.

She wants to close her eyes and disappear.

She wants to leave this city again.

She doesn't want to feel like this.

She doesn't want to _feel_.

When she's close to sleeping, someone knocks on her door.

Hard.

It's Nate.

Of course it is.

"How..?" _how did you find me?_

"Can I come in?"

She wants to close the door and pretend that he isn't there.

But he is.

Nate doesn't wait for her answer; he goes inside the room and stops infront of her bed.

"Something more you want to tell me?" He asks coldly.

"I…" Serena starts.

She sits down and shakes her head.

"You owe me an explanation."

She starts to cry, she has been avoiding this moment for so long.

She doesn't want to talk about it.

It hurts too much.

It's too real.

"I found out I was pregnant the day before…"

"You know…" Serena really doesn't want to talk about that day with Nate.

It brings back all the guilt and all the emotions she's been trying to escape.

He knows too well.

He will never be able to forget that day.

"I lost the baby that day..." She whispers.

It hits him, even though he had a feeling that was what happened.

She looks him in the eyes.

Doesn't know if its guilt or blame, or just sadness she sees there.

Maybe it's a little bit of everything.

"You should have told me" He says.

His voice is hard and it kind of surprises her.

The sadness in his eyes are gone now.

If it was ever there.

"I had a right to know."

"You're drunk" She says quietly.

"Doesn't change the facts" He responds.

And of course it doesn't.

She knows she should have told him a long time ago.

A _long_ long time ago.

But she's never been able to.

She wasn't now either. She just said it so he would leave her alone.

So he could hate her.

She knew that when she told him, he wouldn't look at her the same way again.

And she was absolutely right.

"Why?" He asks.

That one word contains so much.

_Why did you leave?_

_Why didn't you tell me?_

_Why?_

"Didn't you think I deserved to know? Didn't you believe I loved you enough to help you through it?"

He is so angry and hurt.

Serena can't take it, she just cries. Not able to give him an answer.

He needs answers.

Desperately.

"I can't even look at you right now"

And then it's his turn to leave her.


	3. Want to stand at the beginning with you

**A/N: I know it's taken me forever to update this, and I'm so sorry. I just lost all my inspiration with all the shitty things that's happened on the show the last seasons. Well, here's the ending! Hope you all enjoy and please review! :D**_  
><em>

* * *

><p>She slowly opens her eyes, like that will make a difference.<p>

She will still be in this bed, in this room.

_In this city._

And he will still hate her and probably never speak to her again.

She knows she deserves it.

Of course she does.

But it still hurts, that will never change.

She lays her hands on her stomach and breathes in. There had been something growing inside her.

_Someone. _

She was supposed to be a mother now

She was supposed to be married.

To finally have a real family.

But she thinks she isn't supposed to at all. Never was. She doesn't deserve it.

_This_.

This is what she truly deserves.

To be all alone on her best friend's wedding day. Her best friend that is madly in love and not alone at all. That is what Blair deserves.

Serena never deserved that at all.

"Rise and shine, sleepy head!" Blair storms inside her room like a hurricane.

She has a glow about her that Serena never has seen before and it makes tears come from her eyes.

Blair looks so blissful.

And Serena is so happy for her, but at the same time so sad for herself.

"No! You can't cry now. Not today. "Blair wines and lays down beside her.

"This day is supposed to be all about happiness." She throws her hands up in the air in a dramatic way.

"And me." She adds and Serena smiles at her.

"I'm sorry." She sighs. "I couldn't be happier for you." Serena gives her the biggest smile, but Blair is silent.

She is waiting for more.

"But?" She finally asks.

"I can see there is something more" She sighs.

"I know you."

Serena shakes her head

"It's nothing"

"I know you." Blair repeats.

Serena closes her eyes and takes two deep breathes.

"Nate was here last night."

Blair rolls her eyes.

"What happened, S?" Blair takes one of Serena's hands.

"And don't say nothing."

Serena doesn't want to tell her about everything. About the baby and how angry Nate is. She doesn't want it to ruin her big day.

_She wants to stop being so damn selfish._

"We just talked and he was really angry. I don't blame him."

"He'll come around. He loves you"

Serena let's another tear slip from behind her eyelid.

"I wish you would stop saying that."

"Why? It's the truth." Blair simply states, like she knows everything about everyone.

"He doesn't!" Serena says angry.

And Blair decides it's time to let this one go.

Even though she knows he does. She knows he will always love her.

He told her so.

"_Hey" She whispers when she opens his bedroom door. _

_It's strange to be here again, to be here right now. _

_To be here to tell him that she's gone._

_He quickly gets up and comes over to her and hugs her tightly. _

_She can see that he's been crying, it pains her to know that what she's her to tell him will make tears come again._

"_Are you okay?" He whispers when he let's go of her._

_She nods._

"_He wasn't my boyfriend anymore." She says, like that explains it all._

_He sighs._

"_I know." He leaves it with that, can see that she's been crying too._

_She wanders around his room, stops when she sees her own reflection in the mirror. Hollow eyes red from crying, her hair a messy knot. It's like the girl staring back at her is a complete stranger. She closes her eyes. They will never be the same. This has changed them forever._

"_She's gone" She suddenly says._

_Nate looks up at her, devastation starting to fill his eyes. He doesn't need to ask, he knows exactly which she Blair is talking about._

"_No" He whispers._

"_She called me from the airport" Blair's voice cracks._

"_She wanted me to tell you."_

_Nate looks down at the ground, he isn't able to get a word out. Feels numb and emotionless._

_Now he's been robbed of to goodbyes the last couple of days._

_Blair wants to yell as loud as she can, to ruin everything in near sight. This isn't fair. They don't deserve this._

_He doesn't deserve this._

_She doesn't make a sound, just squeezes his arm. He pulls away from her touch and reaches down to take the sweater lying lonely on the floor._

_It's not his sweater._

_Nate slowly pulls it up to his nose. It smells of her, like she is standing right there. Like she isn't gone._

"_I'm so sorry, Nate" Blair is crying now._

_He throws the sweater in the garbage bin standing in the corner. _

"_The worst is that I've always loved her, that I will always love her" _

_He closes his eyes._

"_She doesn't care" He says and Blair can feel that it's time to go now._

_Before she leaves his room she pulls the sweater up from the bin and put is securely in her bag._

The memory makes her shiver, but she quickly shakes it off. She doesn't want Serena to get upset again.

"Let's go get dressed" She tells her best friend and tries to stop thinking about that golden sweater.

* * *

><p>"You look so beautiful" Serena says and hugs her best friend lightly.<p>

They are standing outside the big doors that soon will open and lead to their future.

Blair sighs as she can feel her heart start to beat faster for every second that passes.

"You know you have to walk with Nate, right?" Blair asks nervously.

Serena simply nods.

And then he's standing there, two feet away from them, the man they've both thought they would marry.

He looks perfect.

After all these years he's still able to take Serena's breath away.

He silently makes his way over to her and reaches out his arm for her to take. She doesn't at first, just looks up at him; they lock eyes for a second or two before he looks down. She takes his arm as one single tear drops down at her nose.

He sees it before it leaves her eyes; he fights the urge to wipe it away with his fingertip.

_He fights the urge to touch her again, feel her warm skin under his fingers one last time._

He knows he shouldn't have showed up at her hotel room drunk and angry. He knows he shouldn't have yelled to her and left her there crying. But in a way it felt good; in a way he thinks she deserves it.

She knows she does.

She left him.

She hid the truth.

She broke him.

She _wants_ him to hate her, because anything else is too difficult.

And now he finally does and she knows she has to live with it, it will be her curse.

What she doesn't know is that he doesn't, that he will never be able to. No matter how many times she leaves, how many times she breaks him or how many times he screams that he hates her. He will never actually mean it.

And maybe that's _his_ lifelong curse.

They walk over to the doors, wait for them to open. Both knowing that when they do they have to give the biggest smile, even though they're hurting on the inside.

_Even though they both want to run the other way. _

Right before they start to walk he whispers in her ear that she looks beautiful and the smile she puts on her face seconds later is a bit more real than she first though it would be.

"_You look beautiful" He whispers, his breath tingling next her ear._

_She giggles and turns around to kiss him._

"_I do not." She tells him, her hair a mess and no makeup on her face. _

"_You always do." He says sincerely and with so much devotion that Serena almost believes him._

"_You're making me blush, Natie" She says and kisses him fiercely. _

_After that they talk no more._

The church is filled with people looking at them smiling, a mix of strangers and faces they know. But there are only a handful of people that actually _knows_ them.

Serena gives her mother and Rufus a little wave, as they walk in the tact of the music playing.

For a moment Serena let's herself imagine that this isn't Blair's wedding.

That it's _hers_.

And that the man standing at the end of the aisle, isn't Dan, but in fact the man she's walking next to right now.

Sometimes she finds herself dreaming off it, those are the best days.

_But also the worst._

Because Serena knows it will never happen now, she was never supposed to get her happy ending.

"_I love you so much" She whispers and kisses his bare chest._

_Their naked bodies tangled up together and her heart still racing. _

"_I love you too"_

_It's her favorite thing to hear, it always leaves her with a tingling feeling in the core of her body._

"_I could lay her forever and be perfectly happy" She says and smiles against his salty skin._

"_We should" He tells her._

_They lay in silence for a while._

"_I can see us get married." He suddenly says and lets out a little laugh._

_Her heart skips a beat at his words._

"_Have lots of babies"_

_She doesn't answer at first._

"_A boy" She says after a while._

_He turns around to look at her; to his surprise he sees tears in her eyes._

"_I want a boy just like you" She whispers and he kisses his lips lightly._

_She curls up against him and makes a content noise._

"_Just promise me we'll get married before Blair and Dan" She says and giggles. _

"_Promise."_

They were once so happy.

They were once so young.

She sighs as they're close to the end.

She never let him keep his promise.

"_We're getting married" Dan says smiling like never before._

_Nate smiles too, at the same time he can't help but to think about a promise he made long ago that he will never be able to hold._

He gives her a small glance and sighs.

She looks beautiful.

He get's that urge to touch her skin again.

_I am pregnant._

_It's all she can fill her head with._

_She doesn't know if she wants to smile or to cry._

"_I'm pregnant" She says out loud to make it a little more real._

They have finally walked the whole way.

They stop to go different ways, he to stand behind Dan and she to stand and wait for Blair.

He surprises her when he kisses her cheek.

He probably only did it to keep up appearances, all the festive people doesn't know the things that has happened between the two. They don't know what she hide from him or what he yelled to her last night.

They don't know _them_.

Maybe she doesn't either, because the kiss he gives her is completely sincerely.

When they have found their places in the church she looks over at him.

All she can picture is the pain, the doctor's look and the blood.

_So much blood._

The last thing that leaves her mind before Blair enters is the loud yes from the doctor's mouth when she asked him if she'd been carrying a boy.

* * *

><p>Blair feels like a princess.<p>

This is her fairytale come true.

She can't stop smiling as she makes her way up to her future husband.

"_This is fantastic." She squeals._

_They are sitting on the floor at the loft eating foreign food, music from a continent far away playing in the background._

"_Mm" Dan's mouth is full._

"_You should try this" He says and reaches over to feed her._

_He kisses the corner of her mouth as she tries to chew._

_She smiles up at him._

"_How was your day, Sweetie?" She asks tenderly._

"_Good" He swallows the food and takes a sip of red wine._

"_I had lunch with Nate" He says._

_Blair sighs and takes a sip too. _

"_How is he?" She asks softly._

"_You know Nate; he puts on a brave face for the world to see. But I think he is really hurting."_

_Dan knows he does. He's been drinking a lot and he doesn't say her name anymore, never mentions her. Just pretends that she doesn't exist and that he is perfectly happy._

"_I can't believe she left him like that." He sighs._

_She moves closer to him and takes his hands._

"_I will never leave you" She says firmly and kisses his lips lightly._

"_Marry me." He suddenly blurts out. _

_She blinks in shock._

"_What?" She whispers._

"_Marry me." He says again, more steadily this time. _

_He grabs her hand._

"_I don't have a ring right…"_

_She interrupts him by throwing her arms around him._

"_Yes" She whispers in his ear and kisses him fiercely._

_He stands up and goes to the kitchen._

_He soon comes back, carrying something._

"_I have this candy ring." He says and smiles._

"_Perfect" She says as he places it on her finger._

_She never imagined it like this._

_She thought she would marry a prince, or at least a man from the "right" side of the city._

_She thought it would be a giant ring, not an eatable one._

_She thought it would be on a rooftop on the Upper East Side or in front of the Eiffel tower, and not on a floor in Brooklyn. _

_But this, this is perfect._

She stops before Dan and mouths an I love you to him.

A single tear makes it down her cheek as well as his when she grabs his arm.

Before the priest starts talking she glances over at Serena, and then at Nate.

Just hopes that there's a fairytale ending waiting for them too.

* * *

><p>"I love you both, may you live happily ever after!"" Serena says and toasts the happy couple.<p>

As she finishes her speech and sits down, Nate stands up and prepares to give his.

He takes a deep breath before he starts.

"I don't do this often." He begins nervously.

"I've never been a man of grand words, but I can say this; what I see Blair and Dan share every day, is true love. If I'm certain of something, it's that." He pauses and looks around.

He has written a speech, he knows exactly what to say. But now he doesn't want to. He wants to say something different entirely.

"Love is a strange thing, you never see it coming and you never know when it will end, if it will ever end. You can't choose who you love, and if you love someone it doesn't automatically mean they'll love you back."

Blair sends her husband a worried look, he just shrugs his shoulders.

"I've loved someone. It's the greatest feeling in the world. Loving someone and having them love you in return. But then it suddenly stops, and everything falls apart."

The guests are starting to whisper amongst themselves and Blair wishes Nate would stop speaking soon.

"Sometimes I feel love isn't worth it." Nate looks down.

"He's just joking."Dan lets out a nervous laugh.

Some of the guests join him.

Not Serena.

She isn't laughing at all; she can feel tears coming to the surface. The man standing before her is broken and without hope. He doesn't longer want to believe in love.

And it's all her fault.

"To the happy couple, may love never fail you!" Nate says when Blair sends him a warning look.

When everything is settled down and almost everyone has forgotten about the strange toast from the best man, Serena is able to sneak out.

She can't be there anymore, can't breathe in there.

She can't stand to see him so lost and heartbroken knowing that she's the reason for it.

* * *

><p>Serena finds an empty room. No people, only a small bar and some chairs.<p>

She pours herself a drink and takes it in one sip; finds herself letting all the tears out.

Hopes desperately that crying will help, it doesn't.

Sometimes she just wants to stop feeling.

She wants to be empty.

Then nothing will hurt anymore.

She breathes out and wipes away some of the tears when the door behind her opens.

It's Nate.

Of course it is.

"Oh" He says, didn't expect her to be there.

"I needed to get away from there" He tells her calmly.

"I'm not in a festive mood." He adds and goes to the bar and pours himself a drink.

She doesn't know what to say to him now, not after everything that has happened.

The air feels thick all of a sudden.

All their history filling up the room, and the secret she kept silently breaking them both.

We all have them she thinks then.

_Secrets._

The ones we keep and the ones that are kept from us.

Her was a big one, a life changing one. And every day she kept it to herself she got ruined piece by piece. And when he found out what she kept from him he was totally shattered.

She regrets it so badly.

Should've just told him right away.

Maybe this would be her wedding day then; maybe they both would be happy, maybe this numbness inside her would finally disappear.

It's a whole lot of maybes.

Nate walks in circles drinking his scotch. He doesn't know what to say. A part of him just wants to tell her that he still loves her and that everything will be okay. That they will be okay.

But the other part holds him back, because she has hurt him so many times, left him, hid that he was going to be a father. She has broken him too many times for him to just forget it all now.

Silence.

Pressing silence.

"I'm sorry about last night" He says suddenly.

"Shouldn't have yelled at you like that."

"I deserved it."

"No."

"I did."

More silence.

Deep inside he knows she deserved it.

"I know you hate me…You have every right to."

He looks up at her and sighs.

"I could never hate you, Serena" He says sincerely.

That brings tears to her eyes.

"You should" She whispers, her voice cracking with sadness and regret.

"I'll never be able to" He says honestly and suddenly she get's the urge to hit him.

He should hate her, she deserves it. In a way, she needs it.

"It's...It's just..." He begins, rubs his forehead as he tries to speak.

"For a while, I was a father. And you didn't tell me." He stops, fights the need to cry.

"And then I wasn't anymore and you didn't tell me that either."

He takes two steps towards her, she takes two backwards. Like a reflex, like they have been doing this forever.

_And they have_.

"Therefore you should hate me." She tells him firmly and crosses her arms, to protect herself from him. From all of it.

"I don't" He says, voice louder, eyes harder.

"I won't hate you just because that's easier for you."

He walks towards her again; she stands still pleading him with her eyes.

"Please…" She whispers.

"I'm not going to make it easy for you. Not this time" He says calmly.

"You don't deserve easy."

She knows she doesn't.

"But I left you" She is crying now, just lets the tears fall without bothering to wipe them away.

"It took me a long time to get over it." He tells her sincerely.

"I don't even know if I am over it" He looks down at the floor.

She starts taking deep breaths at his words. When she came back to New York she was sure he would be over her. She thought he didn't want to speak to her, not even look at her. She thought he would have settled down with a nice girl.

She didn't think he would ever again look at her like he does in this moment.

On one side it pains her that he hasn't moved on.

One the other it makes her relieved and happy.

She knows it's selfish.

But she's not over him either.

"I just don't understand why I was never enough for you." He looks up at her with blank eyes and her heart breaks a little.

She takes a deep breath, to make her voice steadier.

"Don't say that, don't think that." She starts.

"You were always _too_ much." _You still are. _She tries hard to look him in the eyes. She wants him to understand that it was never his fault.

"Everything was my fault" She says and looks away. She can't look at him for too long, his blue eyes pierces their way through her. And as everything else about him, it's too much.

He walks towards her again, this time she can't go backwards, she's trapped between him and the bar.

Her heart starts to race.

He is so close he can reach out and touch her.

He doesn't.

When they are standing there she realizes she craves it. His touch, his fingers all over her skin.

And then her mind goes off to weddings. How strange they have been for her. They lost their virginity in one, she lost Dan in another.

She kind of lost Nate in one too, she was selfish then like she is now.

_She can't bear to lose him forever in this one._

He hears her breathing increase when he walks towards her, sees her chest go up and down. Is so close that he can count the freckles on her nose and see the tears on her eyelashes. He desperately wants to touch her skin, but doesn't know how she will react.

"I won't make it easy on you now" He says again.

She just locks eyes with him and slowly nods.

"I know you want me to yell at you and hate you. You want me to leave you here and let you off the hook forever. You think that will be easier." His voice is calm and collected.

"But will you be happy, S?" He asks her and puts his hands on both sides of her body. Traps her there. Still not touching her though.

Her heart skips a beat as she feels his breath on her skin.

"No" She whispers.

"I haven't been happy in a long time."

She hasn't really been happy since that day in the bed.

She can't bring herself to say it out loud though.

"I think I can make you happy" He says and finally he gives in to the urge he's been having all day. He lays his hand gently upon hers. Shivers when he feels her skin again.

She closes her eyes, breathes in.

She knows he can.

He's the only one who'll be able to.

The problem is, and has always been, that she's not sure she can make him happy.

"It was a boy." She suddenly blurts out. She has to say it. Need him hear it, need him to know.

He lets go of her hand.

She starts shaking, sobs loudly, tears flowing.

She looks up at him.

A tear drops down from his eyes.

He wraps his arms gently around her, makes soothing circles with his hands on her lower back.

"It's okay" He whispers and kisses her hair.

She lets herself relax against him, slowly stops sobbing. Fells his warmth, his protective arms around her after all these years, his lips lightly at the side of her head.

She finally feels something good again.

She finally _wants_ to feel.

"I never stopped loving you" She whispers against his chest.

He lets go of her, puts his hands at her cheeks, looks her straight in the eyes.

His are full of surprise and mildly shock. He wipes away the tear at her cheek with his fingertip and gives her a small smile.

"Really?" He asks, can't believe that this is happening.

She slowly nods.

Isn't able to say anything before his lips crashes against hers.

Kissing him sets her whole body on fire. She grabs the collar of his jacket and let's herself drown in all of him. His hands make their way to her hair and he takes all of her 's himself feel all of her.

"I love you too" He whispers when they part. She lets her head rest at his chest again, breathes out and makes a content noise against his shirt.

"Are we really doing this?"He asks and strokes her hair lightly.

_Yes, they are._

Because this can't be the end.

She won't let it be.

This is a new beginning.

She can feel it.

_And so can he._

_**-fin**_


End file.
